Jesus declared ‘Still Messiah’ after cheating investigation

NAZARETH, ISRAEL – Following the publication of a report upholding claims of corruption and cheating by Jesus of Nazareth, many of his supporters have come out in vehement support of his good deeds.

In June this year Nazareth performed another of his so-called ‘miracles’ of turning water into wine, which together with an earlier event where he fed 5,000 people with just one fish caused consternation among unbelievers. The forums on the popular website lit up when user Asher Naphtali claimed he had seen Jesus secretly decanting bottles of imported wine during the hours of darkness, and since then hundreds of social media threads have been produced on the subject, wasting tens of thousands of hours of collective time that none of us will get back; with ‘believers’ on one side claiming flatly that the Messiah is untouchable, and the ‘haters’ on the other claiming they’re not hating but in fact just trying to establish the truth.

In an attempt to draw out this truth, an anonymous local businessman commissioned a report from renowned religious scientists Roger Rucker and Richard Pelker, in which the two drew on all available data and intelligence from witnesses before spending three months compiling a 100-page report that condemned the Lord of the Sabbath’s claims, and maintained that neither the fishes nor the wine incident “could have rationally happened.”

Since the publication of the report Sunday, Nazareth’s disciples have dismissed it as simply “haters hating,” with one social media commentator claiming that the “report was written by a troll.” “We are still going ahead with the printing of the Bible,” claimed one; “the report doesn’t change anything. We strongly believe in our Lord and we have no intention of letting scientific analysis and data getting in the way of our fervent beliefs.”

Jesus himself added “I appreciate the decision to publish the report into my actions. I have every respect for Roger and Richard and the scientific process, but I am going to ignore it and hope that enough of my followers do so too. I admittedly made mistakes; but I have always been truthful. I will set out to prove my credentials next year, when I will perform some light jogging on water and perhaps, if I can find the correct subject, raise a good man from the dead. In the meantime there is much work to be done healing the sick and wounded. As long as people believe that I can help them, then I will help them.”

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