A man charged with indecent exposure to a nerd has insisted it was all just a misunderstanding.
Damican Wongreaves of Weston, Surrey, claims he was just out running and had a call of nature, and just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
“I was on my usual Saturday morning run on the Flinchbowl trail,” he told the RUNION. “I must have had a bit too much sweetcorn the night before, as all of a sudden I needed to relieve myself. I went into what I thought was a secluded spot, went through the motions, and then I heard footsteps.
“All of a sudden I am pants down looking straight at a spotty 35-year-old with a phone in his hand yelling ‘Squidgapoo!’
“I replied, ‘Well, I was giving it a go, yes. But I wasn’t expecting company.’ He must have pressed some built-in panic button as all of a sudden I was taken down by three burly cops who seemed to take pleasure in dragging me bare-arsed through the nettles. The chap told the police he didn’t expect me to be there, and that in fact he was expecting to fire his purple balls at an imaginary Japanese Dolphicorn. Frankly I’m not sure who is the victim here.”
Expert runner Sophie Marks understands Damican’s predicament: “This game that all the nerds are playing has ruined everything. I’m all for getting people active, but when I run on the trails I run so that I can take selfies of me in nature to patronise others about being better than people stuck in an office. Now, every time I try there are nerds behind me flapping about with phones in the background. I might as well be in fucking Butlin’s.”
The makers of the game have issued a statement: “We want people of all ages to enjoy our game, but realise that some people like to use the outdoors for reasons that are a little unsavoury. We have therefore avoided placing our Dolphicorns in all dimly lit car parks, any remaining public toilets, and Gateshead.”