Motorway Closed Due to Dangerous New Running Craze

31264783 - traffic jam on motorway due to road works
Heston Services reported they ran out of Vaseline

The M4 was closed for two hours this afternoon because of a jogger running between cars travelling at up to 70mph. It is thought that he was participating in a new running craze known as ‘Let the Forum Decide’, where runners leave their destiny to a bunch of online forum members.

The jogger, Dave Aspinall told The Runion: “It started off fairly easy. I was told to ask what shoes to wear, then I rolled a dice and got a 5, which meant I had to take the 5th comment – some Asics. Not really my thing, but fine. Then I had to ask what backpack to wear and got an S-lab, which was pricey but I knew this game was going to be expensive. Then I asked what is the best lube, and rolled a 6 – which unfortunately was Marmite.

Next thing you know I am doing interval training on a busy motorway, dressed in an orange boiler suit.

Gary Bowser, who is in charge of health and saftey for ultra running, said: “It’s getting a bit out of hand, this one. Perhaps we should get everyone to sign a waiver before using the internet, so that they won’t behave like a fucking idiot.”

But Chloe Stevens, the PR secretary for #fit4inspiredawesomerunsmashingit, said: “Well at least it gets people outdoors, lapping people on the couch, which is what it’s all about, even if some of them are doing it in tight shorts made of sandpaper. I guess those guys won’t be able to breed anyway, so it’s kinda like two birds, one stone.”

For another affected runner, who only wanted to be named as ‘Darren’, the game is taking its toll. “I’ve eaten nothing but Tailwind for six months now,” he told us. “Every time I ask what to eat it seems to be a landslide. My doctor said that in the next two months someone needs to answer ‘insulin’ or I’m a goner. Still, I’ll have the last laugh. My last question will be ‘what food should I serve at my funeral?'”

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