Looking good in Lycra is to become an Olympic sport after the complexity of taking a gym mirror selfie has been recognised as just as difficult as running 13 miles an hour for two hours.
Chad “KettleDawg” Evans of BUSTAGYM, Teddington, started the movement after seeing the dressage event in the London Olympics. “I saw some bird on a horse, I thought it looked like it had caught that mad cow disease,” Evans told The Runion. “It was jittering all over the place and then at the end some dudes in bowler hats told her she was 4.9% better than the other girl whose horse looked way less mental. It was like watching QI, except for all the crying. I thought that if a sport like that could work at the Olympics, maybe so could my humble sport of selfie-taking, which is open to anyone with a camera phone and Instagram account.”
The lycrastics will consist of four components: the mirror selfie, the butterfly press thing, rolling around on a yoga mat next to some kettlebells that no one is quite sure you are using but don’t want to ask, and the final event, the post-session snack Instagram.
Points will be awarded for style elements such as not getting the flash to light up the whole mirror, ignoring everyone on the yoga mat while having headphones in and quantity and quality of hashtags in the final Instagram.
UK number 1 lycrast Sophie Woolman Instagrammed: “I am #soexcited that I might get a #chance to #represent #TEAMGB in the #lyrastics in #2020! #eatfood #salad #filterorgohome.”
Olympic spokesperson Steph Balter defended the inevitable derision: “People are fed up with ‘Who is the fastest?’ or ‘Who can lift the heaviest?’ What people want nowadays is for people they don’t know to judge other people they don’t know, using rules that no one really understands.”
Joe Macy has a difficult choice though. He’s 17 and can run the 100 metres in 10.4 seconds. Although he is on the fringe of the GB athletics team, he is contemplating switching sports. “If I were to make the team for Tokyo in the running I’d have to work my arse off for four years,” he mused. “Even then no one will know who I am, because that bloody cocky Jamaican will still win. If I switch to gym selfies I might have more of a chance of being invited to do Celebrity Come Dancing. I’ve been told I’ve got quite an attractive baby face, it would be a shame to blast it at high speed along a running track.”